I know, Buffy was the weakest link in Buffy (is that irony?). All these behaviors contribute to the problem and are probably making the daughter less inclined to spend time with him. Yeah, unless you get something you cant do like spell backwards while jumping on one foot, then it just sucks, and you feel stupid. Hmm, Im getting a different vibe from this letter than Wendy is? PostedOctober 22, 2014 Lastly, the article idea isnt a bad one, but hes going about it all wrong. For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). Cover your daughter and her husband with generous . July 3, 2013, 1:13 am, Wait, is it possible to watch Sarah Michelle Gellar try to act and NOT roll your eyes? sign, Get the day's headlines delivered directly to your inbox, You need to be gentle but honest with your friend about her crush. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm. And totally agreed on the book front. It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. Hes let me know so many times that when hes had a hard day, he loves a home-cooked meal, watching his favorite show, going to sleep, and then making love in the morning. He would watch Full House or something with us. Obviously the ex spent a lot of time with his family (20 years) as they had a lot of gatherings. Perhaps the dad needs his own assignments on theater, literature and pop culture? lets_be_honest To this day we have a great relationship, and now Im able to make the same efforts for him. It is as if some hidden combination of childhood trauma and life experience made them terrified to owe their partners anything. Be happy that your daughter has a father who wants to be involved in her life. My mom and I enjoyed science fiction and fantasy books, while my dad liked hunting and only has read maybe 10 books in his life. July 2, 2013, 3:17 pm. And musicals should be revered as an art form. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Your email address will not be published. What To Do When My Husband Is Driving My Daughter Away? She doesnt want counseling, but maybe parenting classes? sarolabelle You wouldnt even ask that of an adult; why do you expect a kid to be okay with it? You will learn from all of them. He's always putting him down. In four decades of observing crazy-making partners in therapy, I have seen many underlying reasons why these people will simply not let their partners add up any pleasing points. Of course, few 12-year-olds are really *excited* to have to read stuff from the Wall Street Journal, or to be asked to do mental math about ROTH versus traditional IRAs. Who knows what interests of your husbands she may learn to appreciate if she were more exposed to them. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. I dont think there is any one size fits all strategy. Seriously? Yeah, I think its going to be hard for her to get her husband to listen to her parent to parent if hes already being alienated. I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_9',134,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0');Ultimately, its up to you whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesnt get along with your child. Okay, Harry Potter maybe. Ha! Most certainly. More of a this is silly than yall are stupid eye roll. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed,, Yep. Hmm, maybe. You became a drudge, in spite of him being a great guy and loving you madlybecause. Yes, I know firsthand how much some Buffy fans just need to shut up about that blasted show. I was trying to figure out how to phrase it. Your email address will not be published. July 2, 2013, 4:06 pm. LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. Lastly, he should NEVER tell his daughter that things she likes annoy him. One thing that works is to invite a friend along because then she looks forward to the activity and has fun and at the same time she is still interacting with parents. Mommy and daddy love each other. Also, this is tangential, but Im always amused/annoyed when people are criticized for being geeks but if the topic at hand were sports, no one would say a thing. Asshole My son had his wedding days ago. But the problem here is not that the daughter dislikes her dads interests. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_10',130,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0');You feel yourself in big trouble when suddenly your husband and daughter are caught in the middle of a nasty argument. And like I said above, I like the idea of assignments to widen your daughters horizons. I was struck by the fact that your husbands eye-rolling is the number one signifier of contempt an emotion that is known to signal marital unraveling and other relationship dissolution. And hed be more likely to help her find an actual interest, not just an ability to tolerate. Its rude to disparage someones interests, roll your eyes at them when they talk about them, tell them to stop talking about it because youre annoyed. ). Everyone can have a relaxing hobby. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',135,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3-0');Here are some things you can do: Its not always easy to find the right balance between your spouse and your child, but it is possible. I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree. (To be fair, I tried a couple of months ago when we started dating, but i couldnt understand a word during the fight scene, it was late and there was another 1.5 hours, so he turned it off so I could give it my full attention next time.) It actually kind of rocks once you get passed the first 20 mins (or watch them with subtitles). I would rock out to Tom Petty in my room while playing with my Sanrio boxes that were full of Lisa Frank erasers. I used to whine like crazy when my dad tried to teach me about cars or home improvement, or talk about politics. Totally agree on the respect issue. So now our oldest daughter is 16 and . Why cant he ask simple questions about what is her favorite episode and why? AITA for saying my husband's ex is interfering? THIS. Your confidence in yourself as a reasonable and intelligent human being may have rapidly diminished. How the Courts Respond to Parental Substance Use. Not Ready To See You With Anyone Other Than Their Biological Father. I think you are probably right. I hated, and still do, all of those things. She tells me what her favorite scent is, so I buy it for her for her birthday. Essie I think you are looking at this through your own pov. I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. Finally, try to create opportunities for one-on-one time between your husband and daughter. His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). And if the mom feels this strongly about it and him interrupting them, I would bet that she complains about her husband to her daughter, which is not OK. Sophronisba And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. It seems way more acceptable to be a nut for sports but if you watch Buffy? Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . We laughed because the one garden that got me actually excited and interested (the Japanese gardens) was her least favorite and is also my dads favorite type of gardens. I just told her she wasnt allowed to ramble off all the names of plants/flowers unless I specifically ask as I really dont care (it would be like me telling her sports stats all day). He and I read together every night when i was little, and I remember reading beauty and the beast with him, which I cant imagine was his first choice. Also, at some point, the kids will leave you and then what will you do? If one of them moves over 100 miles away, then the arrangement changes to each meeting half way. Criticism gets internalized so much more easily at certain ages and coming from certain people something everyone should be more aware of. And LW, just because there is communicating going on around you doesnt mean that your family has good, healthy, communication. If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers. I inherited a great taste in music from my dad. I am, but I mostly just read others, so Im boring. I think you should take Wendys advice about showing interest in your husbands hobbies (hoping your daughter will take your lead), but you could also talk to your husband. I was closer to my mom, and even closer with my friends in the neighborhood. My dad would also try to do things we liked. We were so thrilled. Crazy-makers often give up the love they most desperately need when they feel any sense of an obligatory payback. Id hate it if a parent did that to me and Id hate it if my partner did that to me too. However, my dad, who had all daughters, liked baseball and basketball and he was an outdoorsman. And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. I was an athlete and a complete girly girl (still am), so my dad got his sports buddy and princess in one child my sister was not into sports or girly things. Last Friday night, he worked late and came home exhausted. If this girl is a only child and is used to having her mom love all the same things she does, then she may not be particularly receptive to reading about something that doesnt interest her or doing things she doesnt like. (My parents zydeco phase was an odd one.) I dont think the father wanting the daughter to broaden her interests is the problem, its the way he is going about it by demeaning her and her interests and trying to cram in his own interests. In return, LW could offer to be extra supportive of the daughter participating in activities with her father that hes interested in as well. (And those are two things I didnt care for as a kid that I really like now.) Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy.. You may feel like you are caught between a rock and a hard place, trying to appease both of them while also trying to maintain the peace in your home. I think This Old House was all overbut only we know Miss Judy. And he lived 10 minutes away from us. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. My father (and mother, if I want to be totally honest) would criticize anything that my sister and I had an interest in, regardless of how much value it did or did not have. To care for our two young kids. Thanks temp! And the activities that your husband wants your daughter to do arent horrible, they are actually really good for her. If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often. And aside from all the other suggestions people have made, like neutral activities such as mini golf and ice cream, what about a trade? Im peace-ing out. You may not see the rewards right away. painted_lady Lastly, I'm so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide . He was just happy that I was excited about reading. He then referred to it as anti-hunting shit, and we werent allowed to like it. Team sports, outdoorsy, tomboyish stuff. But it sounds like dad needs to remove the ginormous stick from his ass and let his daughter fangirl. He. Wendy, this advice could not have been better. If everybody liked the same things, the world would be rather boring. He is also very critical of both of US This is NO accident. The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). And for your husband to expect your daughter to have more than your own vapid interests, REALLY doesnt make him a bad parent. How do I say this to her without hurting her feelings? I was so annoyed! By virtue of him going about his business, I was interested and wanted to participate. The point here is that Mom seems to allow her to only have interest in those things, which is bad. Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California. Most of which are tucked away out of sight. Ive always found board games to be boring and so does my daughter. I agree with Wendy here. My dad patiently put up with and even encouraged me in my obsessions. Bring stakes with them in case vampires show up. LW, would your husband be up for a night of board games with you and your daughter? She wasnt responding to the father though. On a side note, two weekends ago I went on a family camping trip. Within a year of this, my dad became abusive. If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), . July 2, 2013, 2:33 pm. You need to be very careful, then, to avoid reacting out of worry or false guilt. 6napkinburger I think you should also look at your marriage, because in my observation, the us vs. them thing often stems from problems between the husband and wife, which drives one of them to try to make their child an ally, whether its just to have a friend or as a way to outnumber the other person. Plus, I gotta say, I dont love ripping into the mom for being Greedy , when it is understandable to want to foster such clearly shared interests with her daughter. I agree, of course people can be smart and informed and still like other stuff too. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. July 2, 2013, 4:37 pm. By keeping a few key things in mind, you can make headway in even the toughest situations. Is It True? Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. Losing the . No matter how much mom encourages their relationship, the child is hearing Dad thinks Im stupid.. So how did she find out about it? I agree with everything Wendy said, and your daughter will certainly benefit from spending quality time with him, even if they arent doing things that she necessarily enjoys. Shouldnt some autonomy be introduced at an appropriate age? The daughter will then learn to respond in similar (asking others about their hobbies, showing genuine interest, accepting of differing hobbies). But since I knew his motivation for liking things was less about me than it was about his own inadequacy, and I didnt actually like him as a person. July 3, 2013, 1:09 am, If the Mom is copying her daughters interests with such a vengeance its even more creepy. July 2, 2013, 12:45 pm. Make it a game. When combined with the eye rolling and disparaging, that all adds up to he isnt joking about it. I dont know why the father doesnt like Star Trek, but shows like Eureka, Warehouse 13, and Revolution are all pretty good cross sections of fangirlyness and science. Obsessed with dolls? I mean you describe your partner (who sounds amazing BTW) as cultivating her interests and introducing her to things which doesnt sound like what this dad is doing. That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? Fruits and veggies are healthier than potato chips thats a fact. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm. I thought that was actually really funny. You might have started asking yourself, Is this person taunting me on purpose? Weird. LW, I dont think youre siding with your daughter & creating an us against him mentality; you just seem to be describing how your husbands attitude has made you feel more distant towards him as well. Something like that might be a good intersection of the father and daughters interests. 6napkinburger My dad got me into the Beatles and Hendrix, so I hear that! Saying later that night will you ask the spagetti head to pass the salt IS making fun of their child and it is healthy. Talk about missing the point. Its a really nice time to shoot the shit and get your head clear fishing can be very enjoyable, plus you have a free meal at the end of it! Skyblossom "If your family don't want to see both of you . July 2, 2013, 11:17 am, Skyblossom I dont care that much about baseball, but my dad is a fanatic so I played catch with him in the backyard and had fun because we were spending time together. I was able to read teen magazines but they made sure it was balanced. , temperance And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her. He even told me the next day that he was the luckiest guy in the world. I hope the LW sees your comment. Did I love that stuff? Good luck! You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. Cant even describe how much I hate hate hate them!! July 2, 2013, 12:07 pm. July 2, 2013, 2:59 pm. Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. Older and (hopefully) wiser This young girl sounds like shes already quite cultured! Does he like the 80s music? Theres nothing wrong with mindless pop culture, imo, so long as its balanced with things opposite that. By not actively encouraging your daughter to spend time with her father, even if it means doing things she may not actively be interested in, you keep her from being the full person she could be. Haha, are you saying I should stop saying that listening to Taylor Swift on repeat is annoying? I do also believe that your husband really does need to at least embrace a couple of her interest if he wants her to embrace the things he likes. Hell, even back in my day it wasnt that hard. Generally, Ive found that geeky fandoms have more respect for and interest in learning than, say, those who follow the Kardashians would. My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. I went to on a three week roadtrip with her last spring (LA to New Orleans) a year ago in January And then we went to Bali for two weeks. Their mind is broken, causing them to seriously overestimate their driving abilities. Im not saying that to excuse the dads behavior if hes being mean, but if the LW truly wants to do the best thing for her daughter, she needs to do something that 1) Doesnt encourage her daughter to dislike her dad and 2) Actually makes him stop being mean, because what shes doing now clearly isnt working. I cried myself to sleep. I wonder, though, if it would seem less like forcing if maybe the mother and father both liked to camp? Yeah the dictating that she cant even listen to songs sometimes in the car is way over the top. MAY THEY DIE IN LOTS OF FIRES. Youre mad at your dad, not at me! Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that WE end up with ridiculous escalating fights.. He took me for drives, walks, to plays and out to restaurants. bittergaymark This jealousy can manifest in destructive behavior, such as belittling his wife or trying to undermine her relationships with others. I mean, maybe? Gently explain that you're not happy approaching this guy because you think he's simply not interested and that, if she continues to chase him, she's leaving herself open to more hurt and disappointment. So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. My parents werent interested in that stuff. Realize that your child does not have to like your rules, they simply need to find a way to abide by them. Maybe they have communicated about this many times, but obviously there havent been any results yet! So if you lend your car to your best friend, your sister or even your second cousin, your insurance is most often the insurance that will pay in the event of an accident. Do I look back on those times with my dad now and appreciate the time we spend together? Though of course, there are ways to encourage a daughter to experience some parts of being a teenage girl which also are good (like trying to get them to go to at least one sporting event in high school if they have someone to go with, trying to get them to ask one person out on a date, to invite one person over to hang out, etc.) I did so out of obligation and obedience, but now that Im older, I certainly appreciate what I learned, and wish I had paid more attention than I did. My dad and I developed a healthy give-and-take relationship when I was this age. Skyblossom If LWs husband is making LWs daughter think that shes less of an awesome person for not having the skills he wants her to have, instead of saying these skills will make her a more awesome person, than thats probably the main reason shes pulling away. I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. I wish Id been closer to my mother growing up, but now that Im almost 30, were as close as can be, so maybe itll just take a few years. There are a few things that you can do to resolve the conflict between your husband and daughter: if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2','ezslot_12',132,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2','ezslot_13',132,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2-0_1');.leader-2-multi-132{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:7px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:7px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:50px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}Its a question that many people ask themselves, and it does not have a clear answer. My point is that he is sort of entitled to have a threshold of finding the interests of a 12 year old girl annoying. Dont talk negatively about her father. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. If youre struggling to get along with your teen or adult daughter, dont hesitate to seek professional help. temperance More my daughter is a student and is not working right now, so i don't have her paying.
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