Is there anything I can do. (That is very thoughtful, I do all those things because my wife is Special and I want her to be happy) I have always shared the housework and dont mean picking up my clothes yes I am defensive because women dont believe med do housework. But if neither of those possible remedies to the sexless marriage proves satisfactory, then perhaps the couple should agree to allow the husband to seek sex outside of the marriage. Copyright 2023 Older Adults Technology Services, Inc. All rights reserved. When I wanted to leave, the only family I had told me theyd not support me whatsoever and just shut up grow up and deal with it and Id better do whatever it took to keep the husband. If your wife doesnt feel confident about her physical appearance, she may have inadvertently shut down your sex life. Wills comment is more true than not (and certainly not far from true). Yet we are burdened with the biologically and Darwinian drive to procreate. I refuse to live out my life not feeling special. Were currently stuck at #3, but I have a feeling #1 is gaining ground and will ultimately prevail. This can be a disheartening situation to cope with. Wooing is a life-long endeavor. We were together for 14 years. Regardless of the reason your wife has pulled away from you, you must confront the situation. I am talking about virtual reality and toys for Men like the flesh light, that can at least make the situation bearable. My wife weight has ballooned once the kids were born (25 years ago) And she has never wanted to lose it but just accept it. She apologies oh well. Feeling this discrepancyor feeling like your partner is always asking for sex when you don't want itcan make the lower-libido person feel pressured into having sex. Dang! 3. I was faithful to my beautiful redhead for 27 yrs, and I never got tired of making love to her. I do raise the issue with her from time to time. We did have sex on occasion but we would go months in between, not my idea, finally he stopped and said he had no more interest or ambition to have sex. Talk to your wife about the lack of intimacy and work through your issues together, as a team. Not!! With so many of us in similar situations, it would be nice if we could just reshuffle the deck, at least in this one area. One reason your wife never initiates affection may be stress related. Bring back date night (without the pressure to have sex), or simply spend more time talking to each other about your inner worlds: your feelings, your fears, your frustrations, your hopes and dreams. He does not have ED or any similar issue, wont see a therapist or talk about this, and he becomes angry and defensive if I bring up sex or hug him or show any affection. A woman may lose interest in sex, even in a happy marriage, if the sex does not bring her sexual pleasure. I hope that she too will woo me, always, as well. Why do you think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt got divorced?? I dont know what kind of slob you were married to, but maybe he rolled over and fell asleep because you were so boring and disinterested. 30 years in sexless marriage. As far as foreplay goes, either I dont know how to do it or she doesnt like to be touched unless she is in the mood. Youre describing my dilemma to a tee. People get lazy and just expect sex to happen because theyre married. How is she even going to want to have a relationship?. Ive been teaching this to other young men for some time. I would divorce him but whats the point. As we age we need to look at things with a different perspective. But it also means were in a status quo that just isnt satisfying. Initially, it probably was mostly about the sex. We lost our virginity to each other well before our marriage so often, in fact, that on our wedding night we decided we were too tired from the events of the week and just went to bed to sleep. My wife will listen to my concerns about sex, but will not take hormone supplementation because of the science which indicates it can cause cancer in rare cases. So, Thomas maybe your right they must be doing it wrong. Perhaps every month or so she gives me a handjob, rarely a BJ. I havent had a BJ for about 20years, my wife wont even touch my penis so a HJ is out of the question too. If your wife is pregnant or has had a baby in the last year, it could be a mix of pure exhaustion and wild hormones that are causing her libido to be off kilter. Its bad. That was 28 years ago. He already said she feels bad for him so she is aware of the problem. Slept in basement for a few years until I built my own space that had an apartment and work shop. Try to keep things fun and adventurous between the sheets so that your wife is unable to resist you. Its all about the woman needs not the man. Theres no divorce possibility. We may as well sleep in separate beds at this point. I chose to stay just to piss my wife off. And now we are old and the chance of my wife changing are now nil. If your wife doesnt feel attractive anymore, she may shy away from undressing in front of you. Career-wise, shes doing better than me, so hes likely out-of-my-league anyway. Let the in-laws or best friend care for your children for a day or two. But we didnt know what we had. We have been together since the 80s and there is No ONE else I want to be with. our sense of what is expected . Even before this, she told me she does not want to nor have any desire for sex or intimacy with me or anyone. If it were just about sex, I wouldve left a long time ago. That was then and she is gone now. . If so, it could be that the side effects of her depression, or even the medication she is on to treat it, are lowering her libido. * PLATFORM OR CMS. Keep it as quick as I can at 41 I had neck surgery, nothing below waist working very well, had penis pump install, went from 6 to 3 (maybe) tip flops around cant penetrate vagina.she at time started Menopause and wasnt really interested anyway. I have been married for almost 30 years and except for 3 wonderful children our sex life has been hit and miss. We are wired so differently. With kids and work schedules, it can unfortunately become easy to put date night on the back burner, but there are plenty of reasons to make it a priority in your week. Our marriage became almost sexless in 2006 when our 17 year old son was killed in an accident. That has been HER normal. So not. Were communicating better but no changes to our sex life even though he has plenty of blue pills. Like Nike says, just do it. He has with held sex before, once or twice when he was mad at me a couple of times in the past 18 year, that was my punishment. * THE SECTION BELOW TO INSERT DYNAMIC VALUES FROM YOUR 3. . The thing thats in the way the most for me ISNT all the atrophy, the breast surgery, the continuing oral chemo therapy, the fatigue that I have. It is equally open to the man to be charitable by eating alone. Sweetie, I love you with all my heart and it saddens me that you have no interest in intimacy with me and refuse to explore any potential solutions. Here are some reasons you can try if your wife doesnt initiate intimacy with you and you want her to be intimate. With all of that being said, I an understand your frustration. But did you notice that men have to make the first move? If only you could want . BIG ZERO, NADA FOR 18 MONTHS NOW! I havent found a way to replace that feeling of a man. I would do just about anything to have a willing partner like you! So I disagree when people say leave the marriage as soon as the sex stops. Particularly in marriages between men and women, women still do the vast majority of household labor and childcare, even when both partners are spending an equal number of hours at work. Women don't always want to necessarily take care of their husbands, but when they love you, they do. I am afraid Buck is correct. Do this without the expectation of sexual intimacy. Share This: Have a question about relationships and sex for seniors? 4. But many times women holds back based on how they are treated. I know at times shes felt my touching was just for sex, and at times she was right. The role only involves the two lovers and an invited therapist they consented to. Im in ok shape, not overweight . I am a man who has been married for 48 years and to read The man must rule by demanding to get what he wants suggests a serious mental illness. This causes them to shy away from physical intimacy. she feels palpitation and jitters and she perspires just as the thought of it.. bottomline, my mom just wants companionship but my dad wants more. My husband will not have sex with me anymore. We have been Maries for 26 years. My husband became disabled and had to quit his job. Life is tough, and tougher knowing you are not going to get laid. oh when either of leave the house or return there is a generic kiss. Whatever your wife is going through that causes you to think, My wife never initiates intimacy, is probably just as worrisome to her as it is to you. Also shes happy without sex after her hysterectomy and gal bladder surgery. Look, not to give your hubby a pass here, but please, understand that most men in our country, we who were raised in the 50s. Virtually every woman Ive been with, and there werent that many, experienced a lot of discomfort with me penetrating them no matter how gentle and slow I took it, with or without lube, and regardless of how excited they were). You can clearly see that she is overworked and avoids intimacy. We have done counseling and it always comes back to my issues which I work on but have never seen any change from her. If divorce is not an option then get involved outside the home. Help out around the house and stop making your wife do everything. My husband never had my love of sex. Honor us with attention and physical contact. He doesn't feel confident about his body. She may be experiencing depression or a lack of self-confidence, or maybe she feels like she's failing at this parenting thing. My wife stop having sex with me its been 8 months. 2. This went on for years. If thats the reason why your wife avoids intimacy, you have to drive home the importance of intimacy between a couple for a happy, healthy marriage. But he keeps wanting to try and work on it and cant seem to accept that Im changing as I grow old. I am 62 and much healthier than my wife. (For the record, I would cook, but Im terrible at it). At least your wife gives you a hand job AND wants you to Cum on her tits! we always believe that we are being judged . I just go to AA now instead (I drank too much for 10 years because of no sex) & have great old fashioned men friends and conversations of good life practices. That being said, my wife and I married young. . I have never been a man so I cannot empathize with a man. ), then it's worth her talking to her doctor. I have read here about mostly women who do not desire sex, but let me tell you, men not wanting or giving their female partners sex is an unmentionable crisis in our homes. I do not want to out her to the family as they all adore her. Now both in our early 60s, she has lost the desire for sex and has pain issues as well. She told me years ago that weve had all the kids were going to have, whats the point?. If you have always been the one to initiate intimacy in your relationship, take a step back and tell her how sexy you think it would be for her to be the one to reach out. Quick and fast is also good. I realize that I really dont know your reasons for not wanting to be sexual with me whether it hurts you, or theres something Im doing or not doing. The woman is doing two jobs, especially during the pandemic. ITS HIS POUTING and defeatist attitude! Life is so wonderful! I have rekindled a relationship that ended over fifty years ago with a woman I dated right before I met my wife. Quit excusing inexcusable behaviors by your partners. They seem just as happy as any other married couple. If the sex is all about you, its no surprise that your partner may not want to indulge in it. Thats it, you said it thats what the woman loves. She continued to have sex for a while but that eventually ended and we havent had sex now in over 5 years. I didnt sign up for this garbage! In such a case, it could be the reason why your wife avoids intimacy. When a woman looses her ovaries and/or had a hysterectomy the sex drive goes. He has type 1 diabetes and is impotent so I can understand the no sex, but no hugs or cuddles or anything? I wish we were closer because I would love to meet you. well, about a year ago she took it upon herself to say no more sex. She doesnt even let me see her naked. I so desired to be held, touched, kissed deeply and often, all the things that love should be about, but it wasnt to be. All I could think of was him dying because I had to have sex. The scenario you posited is anything but. Technology is at an amazing point for this right now. Many marriages are suffering in this area, and even the strongest and most supportive husbands feel isolated from their wives. The article itself is very weak and rehashed b.s., But the comments are priceless! Bonnie, thank you for commenting. Could it be that your wife avoids intimacy and shuns the idea of making love? Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. Give her some time to destress by setting up a candlelit bath with her favorite essential oils and bath soak. For many men, wooing and life after wooing are two vastly different realities. He treats me like a food friend and we do get along otherwise. Nothing arouses it. Divorce? She does something she HATES because she loves me, but cant do something she supposedly ENJOYS for 8.5 years. Engage in thought-provoking discussions, make new friends, and share resources all on a safe and ad-free platform. I wish she would just go away and never come back, shes got just about everything I own. I am desperate. Then, let the pouting begin. I was too vain and just average. We went to separate colleges and this was before cell phones and computers. Not a bar person.. any any suggestions. Very sad!!! Didnt mean to lump all this on You but your comment triggered something. I work part time at a day care and I find that when I havent gotten sleep the night before, my patience with the kids is really tested. First woman with the same situation!! He wanted to break the monotony in the relationship, but she simply wouldnt open up. My best friend. My Boyfriend Doesn't Seem Interested in Me Sexually Anymore: 11 Reasons He's Lost Interest 1. Since I dont know your wife and I dont know anything about your conversational style or hers, I cant give you the magic words for getting the conversation started. Sucks to be me, right! Withholding sex as punishment is hostile you deserve better. goodluck! There is one category which never seems to be covered in these kind of forums, that is where one partner is both medically unadvisable to have sex. nuff said. I am in your same position but from the other side I am a 64 year old healthy, active man. Then it was more of a hurry it up thing. If your wife is pregnant or has had a baby in the last year, it could be a mix of pure exhaustion and wild hormones that are causing her libido to be off kilter. Just feel I want to hide away as I know this is not normal . If hes not willing to seek medical help and take pills to be able to have sex, the frustration amd resentment will be so much. Except she doesnt like hugging or cuddling either. But I have stayed true to her for our entire marriage . Shortly after, our daughter in law and our granddaughters moved out of state. Get your answer. If your wife is going to have any appropriate romance in her life, its going to come from you. Hey People, when a woman no longer wants sex with a man, it means she is likely not attracted to him anymore. Married 23 years. We have had a fall out now and it is the elephant It is sad when u see other men drooling over me but the one I want. It wasnt until I got married at age 40 that I realized that my problem probably wasnt sexual boredom but something else. Theres nothing wrong with giving yourself sexual pleasure. For the writer of this letter/question . I get angry, then sad and depressed. My ex is 70; I am 63. we have been married about 22 years. Now ASAP get a life please. There are many types of intimacy, and they tend to dovetail. From that point on, Croatia, Greece Island, every best ski area out west. I lve my wife more now then when we got married. My wife lost interest in sex years ago. I felt rejected at times, but I learned that what postpartum moms go through physically and emotionally is intense. Should a husband and wife have equal weight in decision making when the husband shoulders ultimate risk for the consequences? Perhaps your husband, as well as a few troglodytes posting here, are in need of some attitude adjustments, but you shouldnt paint all men with the same brush. I work full time, do personal training after that, and run a business. You need boundaries to actively live yours in a healthy manner without them in your bedroom. Who risks? Being in a sexless marriage is great, we havent had sex, intimacy togetherness for 40 years. If you have gone through months or years of being patient with your wife and still arent feeling physically connected, it may be time for, Are You Ready to Start Dating Again Ask Yourself These 5 Questions, Research shows that women who had a positive view of themselves, reported higher levels of intimate encounters, 30 Foreplay Ideas That Will Surely Spice up Your Sex Life, This can be difficult since, statistically, couples are, to talk about sexual matters the same way they would other conflicts, such as children or finances. Im 65 and just want a happy, peaceful existence and I cope with EVERYTHING 100% , except sex. Some older couples and married partners with physical disabilities make it work every day and have a satisfying relationship. And I feel its unfair for me to try to fix something that Im the only one thats putting effort into. I understand, Im in the same position, although not as long of a time period without sex. Sexual intimacy is kissing, hugging, touching, petting, laying baked, masturbating one another, oral sex and that look of intensity that tells you that you are desired. I always aimEd to please her with oral sex preceded by lots of massaging, rubbing, kissing etc. Ask if there is something you can do to make sex more enjoyable for her. I have had a suspicious breast biopsy. Cause it needs done. Cheers Rl. not someone to basically jerk off into. We have not slept in the same room for years because of his snoring. Should be a Clause in sickness and health and sex also! He is overly stressed from work. What shes done to me all these years was downright evil ! This break down could be for a number of reasons: Some are directly related to her man. How I wish the girls would ask ME to dance at school dances. I feel Im too old to do anything to cause me to have to be alone. 80s, are victims of the same injustice and gender paradigms you are experiencing. Noah loves to write on matters of the heart and mind. I actually stopped having sex with her last night because she told me to hurry up. Still in love with Vicky. So she still has a spark of sexiness ..but wants the womanizer. Fully. She basically views it as an immature fixation and that as a married man I should concentrate on more important things. I have difficulty ejaculating and often, cannot get erections with her. She believes relationships should be easyand that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. We have tried everything ( I mean everything ) but nothing seems to work and Im getting desperate! I just dont understand. At age 69, were certainly way beyond the procreation stage. I know that it sounds crazy but I never thought about it but that part of our problem came to a head after our 35 year old son (our only child) was killed in an on the job accident. I told him I heard him doing that and I told him if he ever did that again I would divorce him. Too bad; I truly live him but I dont need the stress. Hasnt been for 15 years. People might think Im lonely but Im not, I work alone and I get all the right answers talking to my self. A little over 43 without sex, or dealing with her, I do my own thing and dont really care what she does. Here is a video explaining mental illness that might help. Yes! It got to the point that he wanted sex badly and was about to lose his mind. I still plan/need to continue working in a high tech job many hours a week, with excellent insurance, which is fortunate, and there is no way she can drive or work for several decades now. How can I let my wife know how sexy I find her? Key points. I am very sexually frustrated and a different Danish upbringing with a healthy attitude. I sure want too. I mean how do you do that if your married? Find someone who finds you attractive, become more attractive, get in shape (thats key). Says I dont turn him on Im to fat. I love him and still desire him (even though he lost his hair and gained a gut!!) and possibly evil. Yes. Are you in a similar place in your relationship? Aiaia!Number, address, divorce papers signed and ready to go?DANG! First few years sex was great. He keeps saying hell do better, but nothing ever happens! Talk with your husband about sexual fantasies he has or things he may want to try in the bedroom. She reached about 58 and went through late menopause which brought on vaginal dryness, solved with a doctor recommended lubricant. Ive been married three times and my third wife is the number one compared to the first three. I pay 90% of the bills, cook most of the meals, and clean (wash my own cloths). I have always loved sex with my hubby, but after menopause, that all changed for the worse. So I cheat. I was in a 22-year same sex relationship in which sex dried up after we had been together about 5 years. accuse me of not loving her enough, if I had to cheat back. But its not worth destroying something that you took years to build. . I never signed up to be married and not getting sex. This sounds exactly like my situation although I am the husband. Wow. Its been a lonely and humiliating experience. Married 30 years now. Ive got wonder if she really was just needing something to be mad at me for. She would never agree to an open relationship and I shouldnt be unhappy. Nor, should they be. Just curious. Brother, your story sounds exactly like mine. If you're feeling rejected sexually, spice up your appearance. In my is own skin. My nephews, 1x/month on average, so I dont over do with outside the marriage things at all nor overspend, AT ALL. Even if he cant accept the divorce is coming!!! I thank you for stating in so frank a manner every frustration that has engulfed me for over 40 years. Lets discuss some of the most frequently asked questions related to what to do if your wife never initiates intimacy. and hugs when one of us leaves the house. He doesnt even like to kiss. An underlying, undetectedmental health issue can affect sex drive. He had at least 9 different jobs, years of unemployment with me working overtime 12 hrs night shifts (RN here). I think because I really enjoyed masturbating from my semenarche to marriage, I brought in a healthy way of looking at sex. Ya over 40 years with out not a problem. I bet if a man did ever6a woman does in one day he would not bitch about sex he would pass out. But no sex. Harley, yeah I believe men are more likely to complain then women in places like this. Im in my 70s now and dont care any more, hes retired and works in his shop on cars mostly. I love her more than anything in this world. I have the same problem I love my wife but I need sex. the women stop trying once you give them what they want. Does your wife feel seen and heard in the relationship, or is she never in the mood because she usually feels overlooked? You can gently bring up that you want to keep prioritizing your sex life together so your wife understands how you feel and so you can mutually find ways to work on this part of your lives while still being sensitive to her struggles. I made the decision that I would just say screw it and NOT think about sex at all. So to many they think Im faking it. I love him more than the day we were married many many years ago. So, I guess Ill just embrace the suck. I brought this up in premarital counseling. Do they shrink with age? I had to fend for myself, and I could have done that before we were married. And Ive been caught too. Its not always the woman who has no interest. Mates but l want to .feel loved , should l hang lt up and move on ty. Make time when you are both relaxed. Bitter? But I still love her and will be heartbroken when that day comes. Or does it not matter what the man wants? He is suffering from a mental health issue. Please ask your husband if hell see a counselor with you to save your marriage. Husband even can not touch her, let alone touch to arouse her. Not sure what feels worse, not getting any or getting it with her just laying there. Only once really in love. I still love my husband because our relationship doesnt revolve around sex and we can show each other love and affection in many other ways. And we sacrifice ourselves for them. But she works in a male-dominated field and loves to flirt this drives me bat shit crazy as I know I will never be there with her again. I am partly replying and partly commenting on the many very earnest and difficult sexless relationships discussed here. I desire foreplay and intimacy, not just intercourse. Thank you for recognizing a very very bad situation and trying to remedy. We still talk, but thats it. At 78 and after 47 years of marriage I kind of resigned myself to a sexless marriage.My rabbi was married over 55 years and said he had 4 good years sohe was not complaining.He also said over 90 percent of members of the congregation were miserable in their marriages.I guess he and I. Hello Dave, There are always two sides to a story, and I dont want to paint her as an uncaring wife. She is just plain not sexually attracted to me. This is how civilizations are built. She looks at it like I was cheating on her. You say you dont know if youre doing foreplay right. I have tried individual therapy and that was to no avail. I can easily live without sex, but I cannot live without love. Guys need intimacy too as well as sex and we love our spouses too. Who sacrifices? We men are so caught up in our egos . Senior Planet subscribers also get The Weekly Orbit, our newsletter with features about personal finance, health and fitness, technology tips, an online book club and more! If you love him why cant you help him be happy a few times a week I dont get that part, it is just a little bit of your time and you could set all the rules or boundaries of what you are and are not willing to do. Its such an insult to your wife when you guys do that and .makes us ashamed of our bodies especially after having your baby we will never get our bodies back the same way it was before we got pregnant and you watching porn with photoshops were women to look at if they really look like that makes us feel you are body shaming us. The guy is a magnet! If you must you could think castration out of love. Obviously, if a person is feeling low and theyre feeling depressed, theyre not going to want to interact with others, theyre going to want to isolate themselves. I do not believe love will demand it as a duty but love also doesnt hand over the relationship to the destructive forces and temptations, The older I get the more confident I am Hes changing tooisnt capable of long walks or hikes anymore, which is still something I love to do. !, so we better act tough, ya know! I feel very bitter about it and although there have been compensations in our marriage- children and now grandchildren I have found her lack of interest difficult to cope with. Maybe when she met you she saw a very rich lifestyle that has not panned out. Thats a depressing thought too. Its important to understand the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire. Same exact situation here its a living hell! If 2 people really love love,then they will find ways to please each other. I dont clean enough, cook enough, keep on top of appointments, follow his assignments since youre retired now, you can do and I get assignments. When's the last time you two had a long, heartfelt conversation? But they can FORCE their partners to NOT have sex and No one seems to want to talk about that. Im throwing my partner out the door due to his rants and anger over lack of sex. 7. Because of its addictive nature, it rewires the brain by desensitizing you. She has a degree in journalism from Northwestern University, and shes been trained and certified by leading sex and relationship institutions such as The Gottman Institute and Everyone Deserves Sex Ed, among others. Scented coconut oil is a great way to give her a message. My wife and I have been married 20 years. If the lack of interest in physical intimacy came on suddenly and caught you unawares, it is possible that your wife is involved with another person. Womens inherent nesting instinct naturally shifts their focus to family and kids, and this may, in turn, affect the mind space she can allocate to you and sexual desires. I find that unfathomable. 39 TRUST ME RUN Dont walk Dont ruin your life!!!! We were easy pickings since that biological clock was ticking louder and she still hadnt landed Chad. We lose ourselves. Or some reasons could be the female body experiencing pain, limitations, hormonal imbalances, etc. I have joint custody with my ex. Women have all these excuses and fare enough many of them are legitimate but some of it is disconnecting. I became so dry that sex was painful, we tried different lubricants but nothing really helped much. Why do women marry a good provider and run around with the empty pocket young studs? I have noticed in the last two months that most forms of affection have dissapeared.
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